It is funny how the way things turn out when you least expect it to. In a warped sense of spontaneous rationality, there is order in this mess.
So this one goes out to you.
There is a sense of comfort knowing things will get better. Not that it always needs to. But in finality, there will be always be some sort of closure expected. While I don’t need it yet, I know the time will come where I have to answer to the self and I know the self will also be the harshest critic. But in moving past all this, there is growth, a renewed sense of knowing and an ultimate appreciation of this thing called “life”.
In the time that has led up to now, I have found nothing but comfort, joy and occasional annoyance, all of which surprisingly delights me more than it should. Giving it up would be torturous and yet, hopefully, liberating. To hold on to something that is not yours often leads to disastrous outcomes. Most of the time, someone ends up being a jibbering wreck, a thought which prods at the pride and somewhat deeper, the heart.
Blame it on the lack of self propriety or the wretched need to feel comfort in knowing a place in someone else’s heart but as the story goes, it seemed almost waiting to happen. Consequently, I ask, is there someone, something, to hold accountable? Perhaps not. Only that we are humans and flawed in a way that forces us to reconcile with our fallibility. Or that time has played a simple joke. You would have had to fulfill all 3 categories to have passed. And while the revelation is recent, the moment of unwanted truth stared straight down in my face the moment you walked away when I needed you the most.
So as both the head and heart basks in the moment of flattery, there is a need to walk out of it. The realization is numbing to a point of sadness. Nonetheless, it must be done. It is not so much about being calm and knowing the right thing to do rather than a selfish impulse to grasp onto whatever’s left and hold onto that while still trying to right things. There is no perfection. I have to be satisfied with being where I am. While I am not sure that I have arrived at the stage (nor is this an attempt at mock bravery), I am almost eerily at peace. I will trudge along, just as I know that in this finality, you and I will find a truce.
I look forward then, to genuinely say “祝你永远幸福，快乐”.
