Lamenting like it matters.

I am annoyed. I am utterly annoyed.

Yes, I am to blame for this lackluster performance but my complete disregard for my supposedly mind-blowing thesis has come to a point where I don’t quite care. Not a good sign for someone who once claimed to be “passionate” about the field. It’s not that I am not enthralled by some deep philosophical phenomenon that only the likes of Michel Foucault or Jacques Derrida can conjure up. But there is something that’s missing from all this. I think it needs to begin from a heartfelt, bottom’s up reminder of why I chose to do what I do in the first place. I’m sure some theoretical presumptions (that has obviously been made “real” through the reification of discourse) on the power matrixes of this world will do budding professors some good on planet dissertation writing but why does the average joe need to even know about some dilemma between what should be and what actually is in the formation of modernity. After all, hasn’t it already happened and aren’t we all just living in it? Is it simply a lack of relevance or are we just that apathetic about the things outside of what we do. 

But then again, I wish I had the actual audacity to call out our blindspot. Let’s face it, academia is myopic (so are many industries) and we see what we want to see. While some can deal with the stark black and white division of this world, my term for calling on those who live by the tangible, others may just be more inclined to side step that there is even an issue of black and white in the first place. For those who live in patches of grey, of negotiations, well, what can I say, life just isn’t about binary oppositions (sorry Ed, that’s if you ever read this). What I have learnt has taught me to accept that all these different visions of the world are valid, real and natural but I am always inclined to defend my patches of grey as if it is the only means of living. As I am writing this entry, I see the arrogance (and hypocrisy) of it yet I constantly insist on its “rightness” as if the others all don’t matter. 

I should be writing my thesis. I’ve said that many a times to those who would actually might just be interested in listening to me complain about how bored I am. I will continue to say that I SHOULD be writing my thesis until the little bugger is done (which is hopefully by the end of this freaking week before I explode of graduation-ritis). I should stop lamenting, it really isn’t healthy. Let’s hope this spring weather gets to me soon. I need to at least be excited about something.